So..... I have felt a little abandoned by God lately. The last year and a half of my life has seemed to go to hell in a hand basket. I am definitely one of those people that are constantly trying to better myself, failing, and forgetting the goal all together. 2012 was not kind to me. Actually 2011, started the blows before it left and 2012 ran with them!!! I was able to start my dream job and then it was taken away from me because of petty, little people. I fought to clear my name (and won), but it was one of the hardest hits I have taken in my life. It killed my self esteem and sent me into a world wind of self doubt and loathing. I am not one of those people who gets so down that it effects their lifestyle but I was there. I was to the point that I went to the doctor for medicinal help.
After surviving that funk I was hit yet again. I was determined to join a local fire department that I had loved for quite some time. The chief of this department was someone that I respected and wanted to be part of his team. This fire department did not exactly have a history of successful women in it, but I was confident that I could change that because I have worked with these men for so long and felt like I had a lot to offer the department. This dream was dashed out as well by prejudice and ignorance when, after already being voted onto the department and working my ass off in classes and physical agility tests, a group of single minded men decided that my lack of penis was a problem they could not overlook. They found a way to make my acceptance to the fire department null and caused a surprise recount when the ones that supported me where not there. Once again I found myself at the bottom having a had time holding my head above water because of the sadness.
I found the strength to block my mind of this disappointment a well, but as the year went by it seemed everyday something else would happen. Little hits here and there are annoying but we tend to be able to shake them off. The hits that I was taking were full body blows. Most of my friends and family didn't know half of the things that were going so terribly wrong in my life because I was quickly becoming embarrassed by the constant failures and bad mojo that was beginning to shape my existence.
In August, yet another blow. My father died. Now for most people, this is sad because they would miss spending time with them. I wish that I could say that was the same reason I was sad. My father stopped being a father to me when I was 11. When my parents divorced and my other moved us to NC, my fathers caring for me fell into the category of "out of sight, out of mind". It made it difficult for me to grieve for him in the way that most people do. I was trying to deal with a lot of anger at the same time as dealing with the loss of a father. Now that 2013 seems to be following in the same progression I am wondering where is the LOVE!!!
Recently finding out I require surgery to remove my thyroid, a broken wrist, and the worst, my mother's breast cancer diagnosis, are 2013's gifts to me. I thought that there was a break in the bad when I got a new job opportunity as Assistant Trauma PI Coordinator. It is very exciting and I appreciate the chance... But the news was followed with my mother's diagnosis within days of each other. I know what you want to say, "Do you want some cheese with that wine?" I understand that this seems to be a pity party but I was truly frustrated. Then, like a big smack in the face, my new boss gives me a piece of paper. It read:
Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won’t get mad
God: I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Huummm
Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: All right
Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn’t work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one
of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that
Me (humbled): OH
GOD: I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
Me: (ashamed)
God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn’t want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn’t afford to miss work.
Me (embarrassed):Okay
God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn’t even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
Me (softly): I see God
God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn’t think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I’m Sorry God
God: Don’t be sorry, just learn to Trust Me…. in All things , the Good & the bad.
Me: I will trust You.
God: And don’t doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.
Me: I won’t God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.
God: You’re welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children…
So... Hanging my head down I say I am sorry for doubting....but go ahead and tell you that it won't be the last time. I can't seem to understand that letting go and accepting God's plan is the way to go. I will continue to try.... Reluctantly.